Wednesday, September 28, 2011

PMS

In the lovely and honorable tradition of Jeff Foxworthy, I think it's time for an installment of, "You might _____ if..."

Today's edition will be called, "You might have PMS if..."

1.  If you suddenly lose all motivation to exercise and instead feel the urge to down a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's Schweddy Balls... and maybe some extra rum for good measure... in one sitting... you might have PMS.

2.  If the word 'target' is both a proper noun referring to the store and a prelude to the word 'acquired,'... you might have PMS.

3.  If you keep wondering when BP or Conoco is going to show up at your door to install rigs on your face because the amount of oil there would sustain a small country for several months... you might have PMS.

4.  If you're convinced your entire reproductive system is trying to force its way out of your abdomen... you might have PMS.

5.  If the scale suddenly jumps 5 lbs. and all you've consumed for the previous 48 hours is water due to the previously-mentioned cramps... you might have PMS.

6.  If you're sure that your symptoms should be classified in the DSM-V as "episodic dissociative identity disorder,"... you might have PMS.

7.  If your throat is sore from yelling and you haven't attended any sports events or concerts in the previous week... you might have PMS.

8.  If a friend or significant other kindly suggests that you should go take a nice, relaxing bath and you take it as a personal insult... you might have PMS.

9.  If you find that naps are mandatory because you're suddenly a raging insomniac whose dreams, when they come, involve crashing airplanes and former high school classmates... you might have PMS.

AND...

10.  THERE IS NO #10, DAMMIT, AND IF YOU THINK THERE SHOULD BE A #10, THEN YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN #10, BECAUSE I'M DONE AND THERE'S NOTHING ELSE YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!!  OK??? OKAY???  IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU???

I might have PMS. :)

2 comments:

rowan said...

Oh gosh, I LOVE this!!!

Christy said...

HAHAHAHA! Get out of my head!!! I am SOOOOO there too! I will add a 10 though...
10) If your chest muscles are sore from suddenly supporting twice the weight from engorged melons...you might have PMS