I am writing in regards to your delivery today, August 13, 2013. I would like a replacement; I feel this particular model is defective. In case you may feel that the problems have been caused by user error, let me itemize the problems I've had so you can see that they are, in fact, manufacturer issues:
1. M2 spilled milk all over the floor first thing this morning. Neither she nor I cried over spilled milk, but now I have stinky milk-soaked towels drying on top of my washer.
2. M1 decided to go to the school room instead of eating breakfast this morning. While in there, he felt the need to attempt to log into the computer multiple times, thereby locking me out.
3. Rain. Really?!? It's August in Oklahoma. It isn't supposed to rain, let alone flood, and there was certainly no need to induce a heavy downpour on the day that M2 decided to leave the van door hanging wide open after she ran outside during M1's swim team practice to get her school books and umbrella. You're just lucky I keep towels in my van during summer as seat protectors or I'd be asking for a gift certificate for a van cleaning/detailing service. On second thought, send one of those along with the replacement Tuesday.
4. The dog yarked orange vomit all over the tile and pooped on the rug behind the couch. I was not gone that long.
5. The cat also had apparently yarked on the formal dining room carpet sometime recently, under the table. I found it today. Of course. Between the dog and the cat, I need more SpotBot cleaner fluid. Please enclose a bottle with your reply, because that stuff ain't cheap. I find that convenience often isn't.
6. This week, the children seem to have forgotten how to load the dishwasher, wipe their placemats, pick up after themselves, flush/clean toilets, change/bring in toilet paper rolls, change/bring in paper towel rolls, and do any work in a timely fashion. They have not forgotten how to whine, fuss, bicker, and randomly fall asleep (that last trait being one of M1's signatures).
7. The UPS guy showed up while I was trying to clean up the urp, get the boy to finish his school work, and put away all the stuff I hauled out of the van. Kindly inform him that while I appreciate him ringing the doorbell to inform me of a delivery, the sound does ramp up the stress level when I'm already feeling overwhelmed.
The consolation prizes that I have found in the bottom of today's apparent Pandora's Box - being able to find everything for some upcoming craft projects in a single trip to Michael's and having an appointment for myself at a very inconvenient time this evening - do not make up for the aforementioned defects that I find in this day, largely because there is not alcohol served along with any of it. Should you be unable to send a new Tuesday, you may instead enclose a check for the price of a weekend trip to an all-inclusive resort, including airfare.
Thank you for your consideration.