I hate when anxiety rears its ugly head. It is, sadly, something that I see more often than I'd like around here, and I know that many of my friends and their children struggle with it as well. We all muddle through by using our own tried-and-true techniques and trying to teach the kids different coping strategies as well, but it still isn't fun.
My own anxiety is in high gear this weekend. I start the training for the (potential) teaching job on Monday - tomorrow - and true to my own self-deprecating form, I already feel foolish and out of place. I told a friend today that the anxiety I'm experiencing right now reminds me overwhelmingly of first-day-of-school jitters. When I was a teen, I would spend the week before school started on a high state of alert, one crisis away from bolting to the toilet. I certainly wasn't able to eat. I would have nightly nightmares. I would spend hours each day worrying about whether I would be able to make it from class to class on time, whether I would remember my schedule, whether I would understand the material... a cacophony of worries would inundate my brain, and by the day before I would be in a state of panic that I have only reached once or twice since, and those were random occurrences.
So right now... I am not well. I am trying to convince my brain that this isn't quite like middle school or high school, because my performance over the next two weeks really does not affect my future. OK, it does, but not drastically, not in the way that failing middle or high school would have done. Not that that was a likely possibility, anyway... oh, hell, anxiety is a nasty beast.
In addition to my own concerns, M2's anxiety is flaring as well. I've seen it edging higher and higher over the last few weeks, I suspect fueled by the lack of a regular schedule, and it's reached an apex. I had planned for her to go to a simple arts program a couple of hours each day this week; I was going to go find a coffee shop, park myself with a chai, and do my training while she was gone since M1 has his own day camp to attend this week. However, when I mentioned it to her, she said, "Er... no." Well, more specifically, she said, "Mom, I'd really not like to go." At first I thought that her reluctance was due to 'normal' fears - she wouldn't know anyone, it was a new place, she might have to stand up and perform something solo - but no... no, she's become far too astute and aware of her own fears for that. I spent quite a bit of time and many lungfuls of breath trying to talk her down out of these imaginary trees I had placed her in before I asked her why she didn't want to go. Her answer? "I don't want to leave you, Mom."
And that was that. I had known before that her separation anxiety was probably the largest component of her troubles in school, but I'd forgotten. So I'm now hoping that she'll do a simple kids' yoga program at the same center in early August. I think it would be a good move for her, and M1 and I could do his individual school work while she was there, since hers doesn't take nearly as long to complete as his does these days. I'm hopeful that a friend or two might attend along with her. We shall see.
For now, I'm just trying to get us both through the next few days. It's an agony I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
The DSM-V
So the DSM-V (which apparently is now called the DSM-5) reportedly has been finalized. It is projected to be published in May 2013. In some ways, I've been wondering what's been going to be in this new book for a long time; in other ways, I couldn't care less.
To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure how much it will affect us. M1's current diagnoses were made when he was 5, and I haven't felt a compelling need to get him reevaluated since. Technically his diagnoses are PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder, not otherwise specified), ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder) combined type, and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). However, I'm almost 100% sure the anxiety was simply due to the fact that he was in kindergarten at the time and was basically running on 'high' 24/7, and I'm quite sure that if I had him retested now, the PDD-NOS would be a full diagnosis of Asperger's. Under the new DSM-5, however, it won't matter which of those he has. They're all lumped together under Autism Spectrum Disorder. OK, so theoretically this should make it easier for us to get treatment, since insurance companies and clinics will have to plan treatment for all cases equally. I've heard that some parents are upset that their child who was formerly 'high-functioning autistic' will now be under the same umbrella as a severely autistic child, but honestly, if they're all on the same spectrum, I hardly see that it matters. The treatment for both is similar and has to be tailored to the individual child regardless of the 'type' of autism.
M2's diagnoses have the potential to change as well. Right now she has the working diagnoses of mood disorder NOS, GAD, and separation anxiety. The first one has the most potential for change; that, however, was a given when we got the diagnosis. She has been stable now - more or less - for nearly a year, and sometimes I wonder if perhaps all her depression and manic actions were just a phase that she was going through. Still, it's entirely likely that they will recur at some point, because I can also be stable for years before again flinging myself off the deep end. I hope she isn't like me, but if she is, then I suspect any new diagnoses would fall under the new DSM category of 'disruptive mood dysregulation disorder.' That fits her manic/depressive phases to a T. But we shall see. Again, I suspect treatment for that would be similar to that of her current diagnosis, so what does it matter? What's in a name, anyway?
The one new thing that really caught my eye, though, is something I haven't touched on here, largely because it has only been a recurrent issue, not a constant one. Lately, though, it's reared its ugly head again, and I want to share it with you, not to embarrass my son (though no doubt it would) but simply to raise awareness of an issue that I find many families struggle with, especially families with socially impaired or ADHD children (primarily boys). It's to be called Internet use gaming disorder. In short, electronics addiction. M1 struggles with this and always has. It's hard to use the word 'addiction' when talking about a 10-year-old boy, but what else does one have to consider when catching your son with stolen electronics under his sheets at 12:30 a.m.? I struggle with whether this is really a diagnosis or simply another symptom of his Asperger's or ADHD, but I suspect that if I brought it to the attention of doctors after the DSM-5 is published, it's a diagnosis that would be added to his list.
Some people would say that I simply haven't parented him right. Either I've been too strict with electronics and he's begging for more freedom, or I've been too lax and just need to make more rules. Before we go further, let me tell you how electronics time works in our house. (I'm aware that these folks just need to go take a long walk off a short pier into a bayou full of hungry alligators, but I'm laying it all on the table today, so bear with me.)
Rule #1: No more than an hour or two of screen time per day. Some days we have no screen time; other days he gets the full complement. It varies.
Rule #2: All chores must be completed before screen time occurs. 'Nuff said there, I think.
Rule #3: When screen time is up, you must turn off the device within 5 minutes. I had to implement this rule when 'I have to save/get back home/finish this episode' turned into another 30 minutes of screen time.
On the computers, we have passwords, and the content is more or less controlled. On the TV upstairs, we have parental controls locked down for content and time. When they're borrowing an iPad, they have to stay where we can see or hear what they're playing. In other words, we're hardly lax parents, but usually when they ask for screen time, if chores are done, they get it. And yet, if you ask M1, we're tyrants. We never let him have as much screen time as he wants. When he does get screen time, he begs for more. He gets angry when you make him turn things off. He gets very upset if you don't say yes to his demands right away. If he's been promised electronics 'later,' you won't hear anything else until he gets that time... and if we're out somewhere, the instant we hit the door, it's, "Can I have my electronics time now??" If the electronics are in his room, he will be found on them at 12, 1, and 2 a.m. with great regularity. If I take them away, he steals them back - or, once and very memorably - steals his sister's electronics just to get his 'fix.' In many ways, his electronics obsession sounds like an addiction.
Unlike an addiction, however, I can't take away all electronics. I can keep them out of his room, yes, but he's going to need computers to do school work, to send e-mails, and to do research. He's going to have a phone to make phone calls and send texts - and probably play games - when he gets older. He will no doubt use computers daily in whatever job he has as an adult. This isn't like alcohol or drugs, which one can avoid simply by avoiding the atmosphere and/or the product itself. It isn't like gambling, which can be avoided with more difficulty but with a large degree of success. This is why I suspect that this diagnosis in the DSM-5 is simply a symptom of an underlying disorder, not a disorder in its own right. But I'm not the powers that be, and I don't get to make that decision. I can, however, keep an eye on him and decide if he needs special treatment for it. For now, like I said, I keep electronics out of his room and make sure he uses them under special circumstances only. If he gets older and the usage gets more disruptive and I'm no longer able to help (as teens rarely want to listen to their parents), there may be external help available for him, and maybe some books will be written on the topic in the next few years. I might not approve of the diagnosis as such, but it's kind of nice to know that it'll be there to fall back on if we have to.
To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure how much it will affect us. M1's current diagnoses were made when he was 5, and I haven't felt a compelling need to get him reevaluated since. Technically his diagnoses are PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder, not otherwise specified), ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder) combined type, and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). However, I'm almost 100% sure the anxiety was simply due to the fact that he was in kindergarten at the time and was basically running on 'high' 24/7, and I'm quite sure that if I had him retested now, the PDD-NOS would be a full diagnosis of Asperger's. Under the new DSM-5, however, it won't matter which of those he has. They're all lumped together under Autism Spectrum Disorder. OK, so theoretically this should make it easier for us to get treatment, since insurance companies and clinics will have to plan treatment for all cases equally. I've heard that some parents are upset that their child who was formerly 'high-functioning autistic' will now be under the same umbrella as a severely autistic child, but honestly, if they're all on the same spectrum, I hardly see that it matters. The treatment for both is similar and has to be tailored to the individual child regardless of the 'type' of autism.
M2's diagnoses have the potential to change as well. Right now she has the working diagnoses of mood disorder NOS, GAD, and separation anxiety. The first one has the most potential for change; that, however, was a given when we got the diagnosis. She has been stable now - more or less - for nearly a year, and sometimes I wonder if perhaps all her depression and manic actions were just a phase that she was going through. Still, it's entirely likely that they will recur at some point, because I can also be stable for years before again flinging myself off the deep end. I hope she isn't like me, but if she is, then I suspect any new diagnoses would fall under the new DSM category of 'disruptive mood dysregulation disorder.' That fits her manic/depressive phases to a T. But we shall see. Again, I suspect treatment for that would be similar to that of her current diagnosis, so what does it matter? What's in a name, anyway?
The one new thing that really caught my eye, though, is something I haven't touched on here, largely because it has only been a recurrent issue, not a constant one. Lately, though, it's reared its ugly head again, and I want to share it with you, not to embarrass my son (though no doubt it would) but simply to raise awareness of an issue that I find many families struggle with, especially families with socially impaired or ADHD children (primarily boys). It's to be called Internet use gaming disorder. In short, electronics addiction. M1 struggles with this and always has. It's hard to use the word 'addiction' when talking about a 10-year-old boy, but what else does one have to consider when catching your son with stolen electronics under his sheets at 12:30 a.m.? I struggle with whether this is really a diagnosis or simply another symptom of his Asperger's or ADHD, but I suspect that if I brought it to the attention of doctors after the DSM-5 is published, it's a diagnosis that would be added to his list.
Some people would say that I simply haven't parented him right. Either I've been too strict with electronics and he's begging for more freedom, or I've been too lax and just need to make more rules. Before we go further, let me tell you how electronics time works in our house. (I'm aware that these folks just need to go take a long walk off a short pier into a bayou full of hungry alligators, but I'm laying it all on the table today, so bear with me.)
Rule #1: No more than an hour or two of screen time per day. Some days we have no screen time; other days he gets the full complement. It varies.
Rule #2: All chores must be completed before screen time occurs. 'Nuff said there, I think.
Rule #3: When screen time is up, you must turn off the device within 5 minutes. I had to implement this rule when 'I have to save/get back home/finish this episode' turned into another 30 minutes of screen time.
On the computers, we have passwords, and the content is more or less controlled. On the TV upstairs, we have parental controls locked down for content and time. When they're borrowing an iPad, they have to stay where we can see or hear what they're playing. In other words, we're hardly lax parents, but usually when they ask for screen time, if chores are done, they get it. And yet, if you ask M1, we're tyrants. We never let him have as much screen time as he wants. When he does get screen time, he begs for more. He gets angry when you make him turn things off. He gets very upset if you don't say yes to his demands right away. If he's been promised electronics 'later,' you won't hear anything else until he gets that time... and if we're out somewhere, the instant we hit the door, it's, "Can I have my electronics time now??" If the electronics are in his room, he will be found on them at 12, 1, and 2 a.m. with great regularity. If I take them away, he steals them back - or, once and very memorably - steals his sister's electronics just to get his 'fix.' In many ways, his electronics obsession sounds like an addiction.
Unlike an addiction, however, I can't take away all electronics. I can keep them out of his room, yes, but he's going to need computers to do school work, to send e-mails, and to do research. He's going to have a phone to make phone calls and send texts - and probably play games - when he gets older. He will no doubt use computers daily in whatever job he has as an adult. This isn't like alcohol or drugs, which one can avoid simply by avoiding the atmosphere and/or the product itself. It isn't like gambling, which can be avoided with more difficulty but with a large degree of success. This is why I suspect that this diagnosis in the DSM-5 is simply a symptom of an underlying disorder, not a disorder in its own right. But I'm not the powers that be, and I don't get to make that decision. I can, however, keep an eye on him and decide if he needs special treatment for it. For now, like I said, I keep electronics out of his room and make sure he uses them under special circumstances only. If he gets older and the usage gets more disruptive and I'm no longer able to help (as teens rarely want to listen to their parents), there may be external help available for him, and maybe some books will be written on the topic in the next few years. I might not approve of the diagnosis as such, but it's kind of nice to know that it'll be there to fall back on if we have to.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Cue the Panic Attack
As I type this, my entire body is an adrenaline-fueled monster. It's in full-on fight or flight mode, and a large, LARGE part of me wants to turn off the computer and walk restlessly around my house until I either have a nervous breakdown or someone tells me to stop (which isn't going to happen because the kids are upstairs in bed and Oz has to work tonight).
I'm not sure from whence the panic comes. A tiny part of my brain screams, "It's because of Christmas!" and another part says, "YOU HAVE KIDS, DUMMY," and yet another part is telling me that it's all to do with a completely inane and harmless thing that happened today in which my dog ate something on the neighbor's porch which M2 thought was their dog's treat, so I replaced the treat with some of our treats and a note, and the neighbor came and told me that no, whatever it was wasn't their dog's and to not worry about it. And yet another part says the panic comes from homeschooling and having a house and getting it all done and faking this whole SuperMom thing and
Because that's how my brain works.
It's stupid. I'm aware of how completely silly all that sounds. I know that as a parent, as a human, we all (OK, so most people... there are a few rotten eggs out there) do the best that we can and muddle through, grateful for anyone who will acknowledge that we're decent human beings despite our massive shortcomings. I am no better or no worse than anyone else. The decisions I make will not be the decisions that anyone else makes. And 99% of the time, I understand and am okay with that... except when the panic sets in. I lose all sense of rationality when I have a panic attack. I feel like there's a vise gripping my heart (not in the arrhythmia sort of way, just the emotional sort of way) and that I should second-guess every. single. thing I've done that day. And probably any decisions that I'm thinking of making in the next 24 hours.
The worst part is that there is very little that I can do to make the panic subside. When it happens, it happens. I could get up and put on headphones and clean manically (which sometimes happens) until it goes away, but the cleaning itself doesn't actually purge the sensation. I could read, listen to Buddhist chants, exercise, or sit and play mindless computer games, and nothing would help. I can't get in the car and drive until I feel better, even if Oz *was* home to monitor the munchkins.
As it is, I'm probably going to finish up this post and grab some of the toy catalogs that have come lately, see what the kids have circled, and attempt to make up Santa's purchase list for the upcoming holiday. Then I'll e-mail my mom some of the other options, take a shower, and do some reading before bed. And if history is anything to go by, I'll lie in bed for hours, my mind churning, until I finally fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion.
If you can relate to this post, I feel for you. I really do. Just know that you're not alone in this, though, and that we can tough it out, one way or the other. Right? (Please tell me I'm right. I'm not sure I can handle being wrong right now.)
Thanks for listening :)
I'm not sure from whence the panic comes. A tiny part of my brain screams, "It's because of Christmas!" and another part says, "YOU HAVE KIDS, DUMMY," and yet another part is telling me that it's all to do with a completely inane and harmless thing that happened today in which my dog ate something on the neighbor's porch which M2 thought was their dog's treat, so I replaced the treat with some of our treats and a note, and the neighbor came and told me that no, whatever it was wasn't their dog's and to not worry about it. And yet another part says the panic comes from homeschooling and having a house and getting it all done and faking this whole SuperMom thing and
WHAT IF SOMEONE FINDS OUT WHAT A FRAUD I REALLY AM?!?!?
Because that's how my brain works.
It's stupid. I'm aware of how completely silly all that sounds. I know that as a parent, as a human, we all (OK, so most people... there are a few rotten eggs out there) do the best that we can and muddle through, grateful for anyone who will acknowledge that we're decent human beings despite our massive shortcomings. I am no better or no worse than anyone else. The decisions I make will not be the decisions that anyone else makes. And 99% of the time, I understand and am okay with that... except when the panic sets in. I lose all sense of rationality when I have a panic attack. I feel like there's a vise gripping my heart (not in the arrhythmia sort of way, just the emotional sort of way) and that I should second-guess every. single. thing I've done that day. And probably any decisions that I'm thinking of making in the next 24 hours.
The worst part is that there is very little that I can do to make the panic subside. When it happens, it happens. I could get up and put on headphones and clean manically (which sometimes happens) until it goes away, but the cleaning itself doesn't actually purge the sensation. I could read, listen to Buddhist chants, exercise, or sit and play mindless computer games, and nothing would help. I can't get in the car and drive until I feel better, even if Oz *was* home to monitor the munchkins.
As it is, I'm probably going to finish up this post and grab some of the toy catalogs that have come lately, see what the kids have circled, and attempt to make up Santa's purchase list for the upcoming holiday. Then I'll e-mail my mom some of the other options, take a shower, and do some reading before bed. And if history is anything to go by, I'll lie in bed for hours, my mind churning, until I finally fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion.
If you can relate to this post, I feel for you. I really do. Just know that you're not alone in this, though, and that we can tough it out, one way or the other. Right? (Please tell me I'm right. I'm not sure I can handle being wrong right now.)
Thanks for listening :)
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