I hate when anxiety rears its ugly head. It is, sadly, something that I see more often than I'd like around here, and I know that many of my friends and their children struggle with it as well. We all muddle through by using our own tried-and-true techniques and trying to teach the kids different coping strategies as well, but it still isn't fun.
My own anxiety is in high gear this weekend. I start the training for the (potential) teaching job on Monday - tomorrow - and true to my own self-deprecating form, I already feel foolish and out of place. I told a friend today that the anxiety I'm experiencing right now reminds me overwhelmingly of first-day-of-school jitters. When I was a teen, I would spend the week before school started on a high state of alert, one crisis away from bolting to the toilet. I certainly wasn't able to eat. I would have nightly nightmares. I would spend hours each day worrying about whether I would be able to make it from class to class on time, whether I would remember my schedule, whether I would understand the material... a cacophony of worries would inundate my brain, and by the day before I would be in a state of panic that I have only reached once or twice since, and those were random occurrences.
So right now... I am not well. I am trying to convince my brain that this isn't quite like middle school or high school, because my performance over the next two weeks really does not affect my future. OK, it does, but not drastically, not in the way that failing middle or high school would have done. Not that that was a likely possibility, anyway... oh, hell, anxiety is a nasty beast.
In addition to my own concerns, M2's anxiety is flaring as well. I've seen it edging higher and higher over the last few weeks, I suspect fueled by the lack of a regular schedule, and it's reached an apex. I had planned for her to go to a simple arts program a couple of hours each day this week; I was going to go find a coffee shop, park myself with a chai, and do my training while she was gone since M1 has his own day camp to attend this week. However, when I mentioned it to her, she said, "Er... no." Well, more specifically, she said, "Mom, I'd really not like to go." At first I thought that her reluctance was due to 'normal' fears - she wouldn't know anyone, it was a new place, she might have to stand up and perform something solo - but no... no, she's become far too astute and aware of her own fears for that. I spent quite a bit of time and many lungfuls of breath trying to talk her down out of these imaginary trees I had placed her in before I asked her why she didn't want to go. Her answer? "I don't want to leave you, Mom."
And that was that. I had known before that her separation anxiety was probably the largest component of her troubles in school, but I'd forgotten. So I'm now hoping that she'll do a simple kids' yoga program at the same center in early August. I think it would be a good move for her, and M1 and I could do his individual school work while she was there, since hers doesn't take nearly as long to complete as his does these days. I'm hopeful that a friend or two might attend along with her. We shall see.
For now, I'm just trying to get us both through the next few days. It's an agony I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Showing posts with label classes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label classes. Show all posts
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Opportunities
Sometimes opportunity appears at odd times. It's funny to me how just when I start to worry that things are at a standstill and that there's very little purpose or meaning to my life, things happen to show me that I am, in fact, worth something and that I should continue doing what I do.
Back in March, I applied for a job. I haven't worked in more than two years, and that job wasn't exactly skilled labor - I worked as a medical transcriptionist for a company based out of Massachusetts. I had quit because I could no longer keep set hours every evening, what with swim meets and everything else, and since quitting I'd reached the level of stagnation and boredom that I enter right before I find a new job/hobby that consumes my time, and I'm sure Oz was getting rather frustrated with how depressed I had become, because when I'm not busy, I get depressed, and then the poor man has to listen to me whine about how impotent and useless and horrible I am because here I am at 31 years old and have no purpose and nothing to show for my life, and that, in turn, causes me to create incredible run-on sentences that really have no great literary value. Not really, but that is one nasty-long sentence there. Feel free to parse it for grammar mistakes. I'm sure there are many.
Anyway, a couple of positions opened up or are being created (not sure which) at a company that teaches writing to homeschool students/families, and after much encouragement by Oz and some of my friends, I applied. I honestly never expected to hear a word.
I heard. I panicked, and then I answered some questions via e-mail and gave a critique for a small student writing sample... and I honestly never expected to hear a word.
I heard. Again. And again I panicked, because this time it meant the word interview, and I've never interviewed for a job in my life. My first jobs - mowing and handpainting pottery - were courtesy of my father. My journalism job fell into my lap while I interned as a high school student; when I graduated, I moved into the recently-vacated lifestyle reporter position. I did some temp work while I was pregnant with M1, which required me simply to show up, and when he and M2 were small, I ran a church nursery because I was willing to do it. After I quit that gig, I took up medical transcription, which did require some study, but when I applied for a job, everything was done online. None of this interview business. I did do one interview with a local company about a transcription position, but it was largely a skill test.
So for the first time in my life, I had to do an interview. It took every ounce of nerve I had to push the 'call' button on Skype yesterday. I'm glad I did, though, because now I am apparently on the list to receive an invitation to attend some training in July, and if I do well there, I will teach a writing class this fall. Teach. A writing class. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a teacher and an author. And a secretary, because clearly I come from a home chock-full of women's lib principles. Now, I have the opportunity to teach others writing, and that absolutely terrifies and exhilarates me at the same time. I love to write; I like to think that I can pass that on. If anyone else who is going through the same process reads this (because I know, via the Internet, a couple of other women who applied for the same job), I hope to see you in training, because I think you also would make spectacular teachers, probably far better than I. Good luck.
This morning, one of my friends texted me. First she wanted to tell me what songs to play at her funeral because she seems to be under the impression I'll live longer than she will, which amuses me because while, yes, my grandmothers are still living, one of hers is, too! After I agreed to make sure that Eminem's song "Shake That" is on the playlist right after Sarah McLachlan and Sting, she said, "[My son] asked if you could tutor him in math this summer. I'll pay you."
Math? Oh, what the heck, why not? I don't mind math. Up to trigonometry and pre-calculus (except for geometry, which is of the devil), I even enjoy it. I really like playing with numbers. Plus, this is a good kid, and he's smart. He just gets stuck, and his teacher this year hasn't really helped him much. So... tutoring? Sure.
Opportunity. It's an opportunist. I just had to be patient, and I dislike being patient. However, it would seem that it is time to get busy with the next phase of my life. Things are about to get real here at Sunnyview, and I'm excited - let's roll!
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Back in March, I applied for a job. I haven't worked in more than two years, and that job wasn't exactly skilled labor - I worked as a medical transcriptionist for a company based out of Massachusetts. I had quit because I could no longer keep set hours every evening, what with swim meets and everything else, and since quitting I'd reached the level of stagnation and boredom that I enter right before I find a new job/hobby that consumes my time, and I'm sure Oz was getting rather frustrated with how depressed I had become, because when I'm not busy, I get depressed, and then the poor man has to listen to me whine about how impotent and useless and horrible I am because here I am at 31 years old and have no purpose and nothing to show for my life, and that, in turn, causes me to create incredible run-on sentences that really have no great literary value. Not really, but that is one nasty-long sentence there. Feel free to parse it for grammar mistakes. I'm sure there are many.
Anyway, a couple of positions opened up or are being created (not sure which) at a company that teaches writing to homeschool students/families, and after much encouragement by Oz and some of my friends, I applied. I honestly never expected to hear a word.
I heard. I panicked, and then I answered some questions via e-mail and gave a critique for a small student writing sample... and I honestly never expected to hear a word.
I heard. Again. And again I panicked, because this time it meant the word interview, and I've never interviewed for a job in my life. My first jobs - mowing and handpainting pottery - were courtesy of my father. My journalism job fell into my lap while I interned as a high school student; when I graduated, I moved into the recently-vacated lifestyle reporter position. I did some temp work while I was pregnant with M1, which required me simply to show up, and when he and M2 were small, I ran a church nursery because I was willing to do it. After I quit that gig, I took up medical transcription, which did require some study, but when I applied for a job, everything was done online. None of this interview business. I did do one interview with a local company about a transcription position, but it was largely a skill test.
So for the first time in my life, I had to do an interview. It took every ounce of nerve I had to push the 'call' button on Skype yesterday. I'm glad I did, though, because now I am apparently on the list to receive an invitation to attend some training in July, and if I do well there, I will teach a writing class this fall. Teach. A writing class. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a teacher and an author. And a secretary, because clearly I come from a home chock-full of women's lib principles. Now, I have the opportunity to teach others writing, and that absolutely terrifies and exhilarates me at the same time. I love to write; I like to think that I can pass that on. If anyone else who is going through the same process reads this (because I know, via the Internet, a couple of other women who applied for the same job), I hope to see you in training, because I think you also would make spectacular teachers, probably far better than I. Good luck.
--------
This morning, one of my friends texted me. First she wanted to tell me what songs to play at her funeral because she seems to be under the impression I'll live longer than she will, which amuses me because while, yes, my grandmothers are still living, one of hers is, too! After I agreed to make sure that Eminem's song "Shake That" is on the playlist right after Sarah McLachlan and Sting, she said, "[My son] asked if you could tutor him in math this summer. I'll pay you."
Math? Oh, what the heck, why not? I don't mind math. Up to trigonometry and pre-calculus (except for geometry, which is of the devil), I even enjoy it. I really like playing with numbers. Plus, this is a good kid, and he's smart. He just gets stuck, and his teacher this year hasn't really helped him much. So... tutoring? Sure.
--------
Opportunity. It's an opportunist. I just had to be patient, and I dislike being patient. However, it would seem that it is time to get busy with the next phase of my life. Things are about to get real here at Sunnyview, and I'm excited - let's roll!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Random Tuesday Thoughts
Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Random Thoughts. Hope you're all having a lovely day.
--- Last night I went to my photography class while the kids and Oz went to a swim meet. I left last and got home first. As I walked through the house flipping on lights and putting things away, I realized I don't have many years left until coming home by myself at 8:30 p.m. won't be unheard of. The kids will have jobs, friends, a car. Then they'll move out. It made my heart ache a little.
--- The photography class is fun. The teacher has been teaching it for years, and while he has a vague outline of what he wants to cover in each class, he flies by the seat of his pants on actual class content. This means that when we understand (or seem to understand) a concept, he digs deeper, and if we get stuck, he can stop and show us examples and ask questions until we get it. I appreciate that. For one thing, it shows true knowledge of his topic. For another, it means the class isn't dry and boring. Finally, it means that he understands the actual definition of the word 'beginner' and doesn't expect spectacular photos straight out of the gate, which is good, because I haven't an artsy bone in my body.
--- We've suffered some setbacks in our 12-week program. M1 has suddenly decided that he wants to be a grown-up, not the little kid that he cried about not being last week, but apparently 'being a grown-up' means, in his world, that he can tell Oz and me anything and we'll instantly believe it, no matter how far-fetched it sounds. We call this "making a hippo-rat," because he read something the other day about a scientist who lived a couple hundred years ago who thought hippos were extra-large rodents, and I used it as an illustration to inform M1 that just because you BELIEVE something to be true or WANT it to be true, it doesn't MAKE it true. Evidence is evidence, bucko. We've had lots of hippo-rats wandering our house lately; I think we're finally nipping them in the bud. I hope this phase is short-lived.
--- I looked in M2's drawers last night when I discovered a roll of paper towels under her bed and put them away under her sink and discovered several other things, which led to several other things where those were supposed to go, which led to... you get the idea. She burst into tears when I asked her what had happened. She loves to organize things, but she's 'organized' herself into chaos. She has everything crammed into drawers and almost nothing in her closet, and she doesn't know where anything is any more. So she and I are going to spend the week going through her room and putting things in one place, where they shall (hopefully) remain. My first clue that I needed to do this came when she got a sewing box for her birthday and promptly announced that she was going to take everything out of it and put it in various places because "that's where they need to be organized." Um, no, dear. Items like needles and pins and scissors stay in the sewing box. That's what it's for.
--- I would like to get outside and dig up the garden and transfer the surviving herbs (I have the hardest time hardening plants off without killing them, but I've only lost four out of the 11 I started with, so that's really good for me!!) into actual soil, but it keeps raining. I'm not whining about that - not at all - but it's still frustrating. I don't like moving items from one day's to-do list to the next... to the next... to the next. The rain has also been bringing colder temperatures with it, so today it's only supposed to get up to about 45 degrees. I don't want the rain to stop, but I would like warm spring rains instead of cold winter ones if you please, Mother Nature.
--- Last night I went to my photography class while the kids and Oz went to a swim meet. I left last and got home first. As I walked through the house flipping on lights and putting things away, I realized I don't have many years left until coming home by myself at 8:30 p.m. won't be unheard of. The kids will have jobs, friends, a car. Then they'll move out. It made my heart ache a little.
--- The photography class is fun. The teacher has been teaching it for years, and while he has a vague outline of what he wants to cover in each class, he flies by the seat of his pants on actual class content. This means that when we understand (or seem to understand) a concept, he digs deeper, and if we get stuck, he can stop and show us examples and ask questions until we get it. I appreciate that. For one thing, it shows true knowledge of his topic. For another, it means the class isn't dry and boring. Finally, it means that he understands the actual definition of the word 'beginner' and doesn't expect spectacular photos straight out of the gate, which is good, because I haven't an artsy bone in my body.
--- We've suffered some setbacks in our 12-week program. M1 has suddenly decided that he wants to be a grown-up, not the little kid that he cried about not being last week, but apparently 'being a grown-up' means, in his world, that he can tell Oz and me anything and we'll instantly believe it, no matter how far-fetched it sounds. We call this "making a hippo-rat," because he read something the other day about a scientist who lived a couple hundred years ago who thought hippos were extra-large rodents, and I used it as an illustration to inform M1 that just because you BELIEVE something to be true or WANT it to be true, it doesn't MAKE it true. Evidence is evidence, bucko. We've had lots of hippo-rats wandering our house lately; I think we're finally nipping them in the bud. I hope this phase is short-lived.
--- I looked in M2's drawers last night when I discovered a roll of paper towels under her bed and put them away under her sink and discovered several other things, which led to several other things where those were supposed to go, which led to... you get the idea. She burst into tears when I asked her what had happened. She loves to organize things, but she's 'organized' herself into chaos. She has everything crammed into drawers and almost nothing in her closet, and she doesn't know where anything is any more. So she and I are going to spend the week going through her room and putting things in one place, where they shall (hopefully) remain. My first clue that I needed to do this came when she got a sewing box for her birthday and promptly announced that she was going to take everything out of it and put it in various places because "that's where they need to be organized." Um, no, dear. Items like needles and pins and scissors stay in the sewing box. That's what it's for.
--- I would like to get outside and dig up the garden and transfer the surviving herbs (I have the hardest time hardening plants off without killing them, but I've only lost four out of the 11 I started with, so that's really good for me!!) into actual soil, but it keeps raining. I'm not whining about that - not at all - but it's still frustrating. I don't like moving items from one day's to-do list to the next... to the next... to the next. The rain has also been bringing colder temperatures with it, so today it's only supposed to get up to about 45 degrees. I don't want the rain to stop, but I would like warm spring rains instead of cold winter ones if you please, Mother Nature.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Birthdays and Easter and Classes - Oh, My!
We're still on Spring Break here in our little corner of the world. All the public schools are back in session this week, so we do have to get out of our comfort zone and go to swimming and violin lessons as usual, but we're still not up in the school room much unless you count M2, who can't go 24 hours without doing a project or craft of some sort.
Last week was largely spent preparing for and executing plans for M2's 8th birthday. She had a slumber party with a few of her friends, and it went beautifully. M1 had a difficult time understanding why he wasn't allowed to participate in (read: take over) the girls' plans, but Oz and I distracted him with a flight simulator and time on his Kindle Fire, so I don't think he missed too much. This week my grandmother turns 89, and we're going to go up and visit her. She wants to have a birthday party at her retirement home, complete with cookies and root beer floats. I sincerely hope that when I turn 89, I'm able to have cookies and root beer floats! How fun is that?
Easter is on Sunday. Usually I have candy bought and stashed by now. This year I've bought candy, but for reasons that have to remain secret because Oz is still in the dark (some of you know what we did with the candy and have seen photos, but SHHH!), the kids know the candy exists and they know that I'm probably going to use it to stuff eggs. It seems rather to defeat the purpose if they already know what will be IN the eggs, so I may have to have Oz pick each of them up a chocolate rabbit just so they have a little surprise. We'll see. Last year the Easter Bunny stopped by. I suspect a repeat performance may be in the cards this year.
I started the beginner digital photography class last night. It's the first class I've taken in years, and it's lovely. I'm very glad Oz pushed me into signing up. Apparently the classes are usually quite full - 18-20 people - but our class only had nine people enroll, of which only seven showed up last night. The instructor seems knowledgeable and kind, and he's been doing this long enough that he knows more or less what to expect. It's a four-week course, and we're covering the basics - metering, aperture control, shutter speed, ISO settings, and white balance. It's just what I had been hoping it would be, and I'm already starting to think about the 'final,' which is a photographic scavenger hunt.
Finally, I finished a 9-week exercise program yesterday. I used EA Sports Active 2 for the Wii, and it wasn't easy. The program asks you to work out four times a week for those nine weeks, and I can see a difference in my body shape. I have more of a waist now than I think I've had since before M1 was born. I weigh about the same as I did then as well. It's a massive accomplishment, something I've been wanting since M2 came along, and I'm finally there. I'm not done, though. I have Jillian Michaels' No More Trouble Zones workout DVD, and I'm going to use that through April, then go back to the Sports Active 2 program and see what the 'hard' setting is like. It'll probably kill me. If it doesn't... well, you know the saying.
Hope things are starting to warm up where you are; I'm so very ready for spring!!
Last week was largely spent preparing for and executing plans for M2's 8th birthday. She had a slumber party with a few of her friends, and it went beautifully. M1 had a difficult time understanding why he wasn't allowed to participate in (read: take over) the girls' plans, but Oz and I distracted him with a flight simulator and time on his Kindle Fire, so I don't think he missed too much. This week my grandmother turns 89, and we're going to go up and visit her. She wants to have a birthday party at her retirement home, complete with cookies and root beer floats. I sincerely hope that when I turn 89, I'm able to have cookies and root beer floats! How fun is that?
Easter is on Sunday. Usually I have candy bought and stashed by now. This year I've bought candy, but for reasons that have to remain secret because Oz is still in the dark (some of you know what we did with the candy and have seen photos, but SHHH!), the kids know the candy exists and they know that I'm probably going to use it to stuff eggs. It seems rather to defeat the purpose if they already know what will be IN the eggs, so I may have to have Oz pick each of them up a chocolate rabbit just so they have a little surprise. We'll see. Last year the Easter Bunny stopped by. I suspect a repeat performance may be in the cards this year.
I started the beginner digital photography class last night. It's the first class I've taken in years, and it's lovely. I'm very glad Oz pushed me into signing up. Apparently the classes are usually quite full - 18-20 people - but our class only had nine people enroll, of which only seven showed up last night. The instructor seems knowledgeable and kind, and he's been doing this long enough that he knows more or less what to expect. It's a four-week course, and we're covering the basics - metering, aperture control, shutter speed, ISO settings, and white balance. It's just what I had been hoping it would be, and I'm already starting to think about the 'final,' which is a photographic scavenger hunt.
Finally, I finished a 9-week exercise program yesterday. I used EA Sports Active 2 for the Wii, and it wasn't easy. The program asks you to work out four times a week for those nine weeks, and I can see a difference in my body shape. I have more of a waist now than I think I've had since before M1 was born. I weigh about the same as I did then as well. It's a massive accomplishment, something I've been wanting since M2 came along, and I'm finally there. I'm not done, though. I have Jillian Michaels' No More Trouble Zones workout DVD, and I'm going to use that through April, then go back to the Sports Active 2 program and see what the 'hard' setting is like. It'll probably kill me. If it doesn't... well, you know the saying.
Hope things are starting to warm up where you are; I'm so very ready for spring!!
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